Dear Marlee,

I'm just over 21 weeks pregnant. This is the first grandbaby on both sides and we had a hard time getting pregnant, so this has been really exciting for us and our families.

My question is about exercise. I've struggled with mental health a lot over the past few years (who hasn't?) and being more active has really helped me. I do fitness classes 3-4 times a week and it's been so nice to feel myself getting stronger and building my endurance, on top of the mental health benefits.

I felt absolutely miserable during the first trimester, so I didn't do really any exercise during that time. But about a month ago I started feeling better, and picked up my workouts again. I'm definitely being careful to listen to my body and not overdo it, and it has felt so good to get back into my routine!

The problem is, my mother-in-law thinks me exercising is dangerous for the baby. We have a pretty good relationship, but there are definitely times when I feel like she oversteps. This is definitely one of those times.

She has been making repeated comments about this since I mentioned that I started working out again. She has been really persistent about it - she doesn't even think taking walks is good for the baby, let alone doing a fitness class.

One one hand, I sort of get it - our fertility challenges were hard on all of us including her, and it's natural to be worried about the baby. But on the other hand - this is MY baby! And working out helps me feel so much better (physically and mentally). I'm kind of upset that she doesn't think it's important for me to feel good.

My husband isn't comfortable asking her not to talk to us about this anymore, even though I've begged him. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Sweating & Pregnant

Dear Sweating & Pregnant,

First of all, congratulations! Pregnancy after loss often feels so complicated - especially for you and your husband as the parents, but for your extended family and larger community as well.

You are wise to suspect that your mother-in-law's through-the-roof anxiety over your (very normal-sounding) exercise routine is connected to her experience of your fertility journey. It's lovely that you are able to empathize with her a bit. It does sound like she's experiencing genuine fear and that her intentions are positive.

But you are absolutely correct — this is YOUR baby! And your body. So you get to pick, every time. Even if this were a controversial topic, with lots of pros and cons, you would still get to choose what felt right for you.

In this case, it’s not a controversial topic. The recommendations are pretty straightforward. Except in certain (very specific) high-risk situations, if the exercise you're doing feels good, then it's a good thing and you don't need to change what you're doing. In fact, it's recommended that if people weren't physically active before pregnancy, that they find ways to start easing into an exercise routine. This is what the majority of OBs and midwives in the US recommend for the majority of pregnancies.

It wasn't always this way, though, and that might be part of what's contributing to your MIL's fears.

Over the years, recommendations about exercise in pregnancy have changed a lot. (You can read a bit about that here and here if you’re interested.) Depending on when your MIL was having her babies, it's possible that recommendations were very different during her pregnancies.

I reached out to my own mom and mother-in-law, both of whom had babies in the late 80s and throughout the 90s. Between the two of them, they remember a mix of recommendations around exercise during pregnancy. This topic wasn't as ironed out then as it is now. It’s also possible that when your MIL was pregnant she had older relatives giving her advice - maybe people of older generations who remembered a time when pregnancy and bedrest often went hand-in-hand.

All that said, part of your MIL’s job as a mother of an adult child and a grandmother-to-be is to learn how to navigate the challenge of watching from the sidelines as her son and his new family (people she probably loves SO much) make their own health and safety decisions. How does she play a supportive role? Where are your boundaries and what happens when she crosses them?

We begin learning about boundaries in toddlerhood, and these lessons continue throughout our lives. As children become adults and then welcome their own children, family relationships shift. Everyone involved has some adjusting to do as they learn about themselves in their new roles.

I LOVE the way my friend and fellow birth educator Britta Bushnell illustrates this idea with her "Family Wheel" imagery.

The awkwardness and frustration you might be experiencing as your mother-in-law tries to exert control over your pregnant body may be a bit of a preview of what's to come when this baby is in your arms rather than in your belly. This is unlikely to be the last time she has an opinion about how you are parenting your child.

I strongly encourage you to find a way to approach this situation that helps her to see that she has no authority here and that this kind of repetitive unsolicited advice is not welcome. This can absolutely be done with kindness and love.

You could tell her that you appreciate how much she cares, that you know she is worried and has good intentions, but that you are completely confident in your decision to keep exercising. You can then choose an item or two from this list and try it out. Is she a person who tends to respond to education? To hearing that an "expert" has approved something? If either of those are true, you might show her the link above from ACOG and maybe even offer to read through it together. Then if you wish, you could tell her that you've already spoken to your care provider as well as an experienced childbirth educator and doula (me!) and that they both said your exercise routine sounded fabulous. If you want to, you could also say that you are listening to your body and doing what feels right for you.

If she's receptive, wonderful. This might be a great moment of growth for both of you.

If after all of that she continues to badger you, it would be perfectly appropriate for you to shut the conversation down. "I've already said everything I want to say about that topic. I don't want to talk about this anymore," and then end the conversation or change the subject. You could also consider offering a little advice of your own at that point, "You seem to be feeling really distressed about this, and since there's plenty of evidence that what I'm doing is safe and beneficial, I'm not sure why that is. Would you consider speaking with a therapist about this?"

As for your husband and his refusal to step in and speak to his mom on your behalf: I encourage you to show him this response, ask him to read Britta's post and the "Dealing with Unwanted Advice" article that I’ve linked here, and then have another conversation together after he's had a bit of time to let the information sink in.

The fact that he’s struggling with this is very, very normal. He and his mom have a lifetime of important history together, and these adjustments can be really intense. He's in good company. It's ok that he's having a hard time with the idea of setting a boundary with his mom. But only you get to decide if it's ok with you for him to refuse to do it.

And if he continues to refuse to support you in this conflict with his mom, you get to decide what that means for you. Do you want to try to maintain your same level of closeness and deal with any potential conflict on your own? Do you want to put some distance between yourself (and your baby!) and your mother-in-law? That would also be a completely reasonable decision.

I'm not suggesting that now is the time for ultimatums. Again, you're in an adjustment period. But it is important that your husband understands that there may be times where he will have to "stand up" to his mom on behalf of you and your little one, and that if he can't or won't do that there might be consequences that he really doesn't like.

Depending on how this next conversation goes, it could be a great idea for the two of you to continue to work through this challenge with the support of a professional of some kind. Maybe a marriage and family counselor (especially one with a great reputation for working with families during the childbearing years). Maybe taking a workshop like my Bringing Baby Home class (which is very focused on the adjustments couples make as they welcome a baby together, and allows for plenty of time for conversation) is another option you might consider.

Bottom line, you should feel very confident in your choice to continue the exercise regimen you are used to. Not only is it recommended to stay active, but your personal experience tells you that it's working well for you, and that's a great thing!

- Marlee

Get our free guide:
Pack the Perfect Hospital Bag