My Nanny Doesn’t Understand My Parenting Style
Dear Marlee,
I'm struggling a little bit with our new caregiver. She's really kind, thoughtful, and mature. That's so hard to find!
The issue is that she was raised (and raised her two adult children) very traditionally. I was also raised that way, and it took me 2 years of research and learning/unlearning to teach myself to be the parent I really want to be (instead of the parents I had).
I am very passionate about gentle/respectful parenting and most of the things that go hand-in-hand with that philosophy, like attachment, treating children with the same respect I give adults, etc.
The thing is, putting into words for our new caregiver how we do things in our family is challenging for me. I don't know exactly how to articulate it so she can "get it" quickly. Of course if she spent a few weeks observing while I took care of the kids, she'd be able to see my interactions with them as an example, but we can't really make that work right now with our schedules.
I know she has good intentions and she sees that we do things differently. She's interested in learning, I'm just not sure how to teach her without demonstrating every scenario she might encounter with the kids.
How can I show her more effectively? I've asked her to follow some social media pages where I've learned a lot, but I can't ask her to just learn from there.
Sincerely,
Doubting New Nanny
Dear Doubting,
You can't. I'm so sorry to tell you, but there isn't a way for you to communicate all of this in a more effective way. Because this isn't a communication failure - it's a massive difference in philosophy and a mismatch in level of knowledge about child development.
You said it yourself - this kind of learning takes a significant amount of time, energy, and passion. It took you two years to unlearn what you grew up with. And you'll most likely be relearning how to parent in a more respectful, attachment-based way for the rest of your life.
You can't replicate that for her in a few weeks (even if you did have the time to spend on the dream scenario you described above), and you certainly can't replicate it in a few conversations.
You and your nanny see children fundamentally differently. While it's wonderful that she seems open to learning, chances are high that she'll never get to a place where your philosophies are close enough that you'll actually trust and respect her approach to caring for your kids.
Your nanny doesn't have to be your clone, but everything will work better if they're more on the same page with you than this person seems to be.
It's ok for you to think someone is kind, thoughtful, and mature, but for you to not want them to be your nanny. She might be a great nanny for someone, but it doesn't sound like she's for you!
I strongly encourage you to start looking for a new caregiver now (one with a greater interest in child development and modern parenting practices!). I know you worry it will be hard to find someone who's a better fit, but I promise you, they're out there! It's just hard to imagine because you haven't met them yet.
When you begin interviewing new nannies, you can make questions about philosophy and knowledge of child development first on your list. You can let them know what isn't working well with this current caregiver, and ask them how working with them might be different. And you can start fresh with a nice trial period baked into your contract, so that you can avoid this kind of awkwardness in the future.
It can be hard to let someone go (especially if you've never been in charge of hiring and firing before), but your children deserve this from you. You can do this!
And chances are, she won't be shocked - she already knows that it's not a perfect fit. I would focus on giving her as much notice as possible, and planning all the nice things you can say (and maybe a sweet gift!) for when the time comes for you to part ways.
- Marlee
