What You Need to Know about Birth Affirmations
Research tells us that hope and optimism have positive effects, and perhaps that is why affirmations for labor and birth have been gaining popularity over the past few years.
This can be a tricky subject though!
Of course, it's natural to seek support for a task as big as birth, and affirmations can be a helpful source of encouragement in that regard. But recently, we've been noticing that many birth affirmations actually seem to be very limiting in their perspective.
Here are a few affirmations we've seen frequently on Pinterest and recommended in Facebook pregnancy groups:
"My body knows how to birth"
"My body achieves what my mind believes"
"I am relaxed and calm"
"I trust my body and birth"
While there is a certain rhythmic comfort in each of those phrases, there may be some hidden downsides to relying on affirmations like these for labor.
There is also the fact that these and many other popular birth affirmations skew heavily towards people who are planning natural births (as much as that wording bothers us... but we'll leave that for another post).
So what’s missing from affirmations like these?
Affirmations for birth should be flexible
Rigid, results-focused affirmations do a disservice to the people relying on them for emotional encouragement and support.
Shane Lopez, PhD, is a psychologist, senior scientist at Gallup, and the author of Making Hope Happen. He identified 3 basic steps for building hope:
Envision the future you want
Take practical steps to move toward that future
Plan for contingencies and change your plans if needed
Don't those steps seem applicable to planning for birth? As Lindsey Morrow put it,
"Embracing the unexpected, the unknown and losing control is part of birth, and therefore should be part of birth affirmations."
Knowing that birth is bigger than us and that change in the moment may be necessary, perhaps there is a better way to approach the affirmations we choose.
Instead of choosing limiting affirmations that are focused on an outcome of birth (a vaginal birth, an easy birth, a fast birth, a less painful birth), try choosing expansive affirmations that can apply to the emotional experience of birth, whatever form it takes.
By pushing the boundaries of what birth "should be" in your mind, you make room for more self-love and self-acceptance. Both of these will be absolutely invaluable on your birth and parenting journey!
Affirmations should be for everyone, not just people planning a natural birth
If you're planning a birth that involves pain medication, induction medications, or already know that your baby will be born by cesarean, you deserve affirmations too if you want them! (Contrary to popular belief, you can also work with a doula for your planned c-section!)
Birth affirmations have so exclusive of parents who are planning other kinds of births that there are now specific sets of affirmations labeled FOR ANYONE/ANY KIND OF BIRTH (case in point).
One tricky thing here is that even if you aren’t planning to use an epidural or other pain medication during labor, it may happen that pain medication ends up being called for during your birth. If your affirmations were only based on one version of birth and that isn’t the way your birth ends up going, you:
lose the power of the affirmations you were using, and
maybe even feel guilt or shame for veering away from your intended path for whatever reason.
Choosing open, flexible affirmations is a beautiful way to care for your current and future self.
Affirmations should stay away from toxic positivity
Toxic positivity is a term for approaching any hard situation with a “just stay positive'“ mindset. It’s VERY common for birth affirmations you find online to embrace this kind of perspective.
But as a doula who has witnessed over 100 babies enter the world, I can’t think of a single birth I’ve attended where staying positive the whole time was the key to someone getting through labor.
Instead what I’ve seen be very helpful is an honest and compassionate approach:
Acknowledge the challenge
By making room to acknowledge that yes, THIS IS REALLY F***KING HARD, people feel seen and heard during one of the biggest challenges of their life.Acknowledge your strength and hard work
Acknowledging what you are already doing to get through the situation is a beautiful way of offering encouragement and recognition.Acknowledge your support system
And finally, acknowledging the love and support behind you can help you feel less alone - you have a team behind you.
The beautiful thing is, these compassionate steps don’t require you to “just think positively”! They are simply acknowledging various aspects of the current situation, and inviting someone to lean into their inner strength and their support network. Affirmations for birth should do the same thing!
Now that we have a good understanding of what makes up a helpful affirmation, let’s look at some examples of limiting affirmations and some expansive alternatives.
"My body knows how to birth"
In our western culture with chairs, cushy mattresses, lots of driving, and other convenience and comforts of modern life, our bodies are no longer moving, eating, resting, and playing the way they used to.
While it's a lovely thought that our bodies innately know how to birth a baby, that doesn't take into account the fact that our bodies are just plain conditioned differently than our ancestors' were. Does that mean we physically can’t birth babies anymore? Of course not. But there can be some extra challenges involved due to these lifestyle changes.
And what about the fact that there is another body involved in birth? And that the intricacies of how your those bodies interact in labor and birth are still somewhat mysterious?
If you accept this affirmation as truth and birth didn't go the way you planned, what might you think or tell yourself about your body? Sometimes, feeling that your body failed because birth didn't go the way you planned or expected can be a source of birth trauma. Let's start to head that off by recognizing that birth is unpredictable, and that if things happen in an unexpected - or even an unwished-for - way, you and your body are not to blame.
Try this instead: "People all over the world are birthing with me"
"My body achieves what my mind believes"
If I could control my body with my mind, I would never feel tired. As I sit here yawning, let's just say I'm proof that our bodies can't always do whatever we set our minds to.
Thoughts like this, while they may feel comforting when preparing for birth, may trigger very different emotions on the other side of birth.
If something unexpected occurs during labor, "mind over matter" simply may not work.
Talking ourselves into thinking we can control birth strikes me as unproductive and possibly even traumatizing. If birth takes a different direction that we had planned or hoped, can we find resilience in the face of change, rather than holding onto rigid expectations?
Try this instead: "I am strong and capable”
"I am relaxed and calm"
Our culture loooooves telling pregnant people how to do things, right? There are books, tutorials, and even entire childbirth preparation methods that teach parents-to-be how to be "relaxed and calm" birthing goddesses who create beautiful birth experiences.
This message is getting through. The number one thing people say when they sign up to take our birth classes is that they want tools to help them stay relaxed or calm in labor.
I know there are people who have experienced truly calm births. There are plenty of videos on YouTube and personal stories to confirm this. But here's the thing: Staying calm through the entirety of labor isn't a realistic goal for most of us.
Why should a person be expected to remain perfectly relaxed and calm during something as huge as bringing a new person into the world? When we think about it that way, it makes sense that there would be some big feelings involved that are not necessarily relaxed or calm.
If staying relaxed and calm is your number one goal in birth, what happens if those things go out the window for whatever reason? What story do you tell yourself about YOU when you need to roar or tense up or cry through a difficult moment? If you judge yourself by these standards, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Rather than subscribing to a narrow view of birth as something you need to be relaxed and calm about in order to “do it right,” it can be helpful to begin to expand your definition of success in birth.
What if instead your goal was to be brave? Or flexible? Or to do the best you can in each moment?
Try this instead: "I can do hard things"
"I trust my body and birth"
Pam England, the author of Birthing From Within, published a new book in 2017. It's called Ancient Map for Modern Birth. There was a quote that particularly struck me when thinking about affirmations for birth:
“It is essential that any conversation about trust and birth be honest, compassionate, and realistic, not idealized, horrific, or oversimplified...
Trusting your body is helpful and important; the problem arises when you believe that if you just trust enough, or in the right way, that you will have an ideal or natural birth. No amount of trust or preparation can guarantee an easy birth.”
First of all, the words "honest, compassionate, and realistic" caught my eye. YES to this.
Next, I'm sure this sentiment is one many of us would rather not face when we are anticipating this rite of passage. The fact that "no amount of trust or preparation can guarantee an easy birth" is unsettling. "But what if I do prenatal yoga or drink red raspberry leaf tea or do squats or see a Webster certified chiropractor or... or... or...?"
Living in this space of uncertainty during pregnancy can be very difficult. We are often used to feeling a sense of mastery and ownership over our lives, and many of us experience anxiety when we start to feel like we're losing control of a situation.
Uncertainty and the unknown are things that we talk about a lot with our clients, particularly in our childbirth classes. Because learning to cope with these things is a real and difficult task of becoming a parent, and it doesn't come naturally to most of us.
Trusting your body and birth may not get you very far. But what about trusting your own resilience? Your own resourcefulness? Your own willingness to do what needs to be done?
Try this instead: "I am patient with myself and my baby"
Want to use these kinds of affirmations for your birth?
We got you!
We’ve created a set of 20 printable affirmations for labor and birth! Choose from beautifully textured blues/greens/purples, or lush rainbow hues.
Affirmation card decks are coming in August 2022, so if you’re not much of a DIYer keep an eye out!
Here are more honest, compassionate, and realistic affirmations for ALL births that we hope you'll love:
I love my baby
It is okay to be scared
I am doing the best I can with what I know
I trust that birth is a deep and unknowable mystery
I am flexible and open to change
My baby is coming
I breathe space into every place that holds tension
People all over the world are birthing with me
I trust that I can meet any challenge that comes my way
I am brave
I am strong
I am ready to meet my baby
Inhale, exhale
I've got stamina
I understand that change is inevitable and I welcome it
I am patient with myself and my baby
I can do hard things
This will not last forever
I choose people around me that support me and lift me up
I am a strong and capable parent
I am surrounded by love and so is my baby
Have patience
Even though I feel overwhelmed, I can still do this
I'm learning how to trust myself and others
I have what it takes to become an amazing parent. What I don’t know right away I will learn.
Just keep going
This labyrinth of birth is uniquely mine
And some just for partners:
I love my family
I help my partner remain focused on our baby’s birth
I am flexible and open to change
I support my partner’s wishes
I am comfortable asking questions and making informed decisions
I understand that change is inevitable and I welcome it
Inhale, exhale
I love my baby
I choose people around me that support me and lift me up
I gently question to ensure we make the right decisions for our family
My courage is stronger than my fear
Have patience
I breathe space into every place that holds tension
I am gathering my resources in preparation to meet my baby
I have what it takes to become an amazing parent. What I don’t know right away I will learn.
I am a strong and capable parent
I am doing the best I can with what I know
For good measure, we put together a Pinterest board with these and other affirmations that might be valuable in your preparation for birth.
Do you have a favorite open and expansive affirmation for pregnancy, birth, or parenting? We’d love to hear it!
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